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life lately | my return

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I stare blankly at the blank page in front of me. The incessant blinking of the cursor. “How difficult can it be? You’re just writing about yourself?” If we were sitting together for a coffee, I’d be able to describe the hell that has been the past year plus. I’d likely over-share, give far too many details and ramble between sips. In person, there isn’t that constant, never-ending blinking of the cursor. No, in person, there are pauses from others—the questions behind their questions. I wonder if they're wondering if I’ll tell the whole truth. Will I give you all the gory details? Will I share the severity of what’s been going on? Perhaps the constant cursor blink feels safer. credit It’s been a very long time since I last posted, and honestly, it's felt like an eternity. I know starting with an understatement might seem cliché, but it captures how strange it feels to reconnect after everything. This past year (to be honest, 5) has been a real struggle, mainly due to my mental...
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lasting change.

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 08-12-22 Three weeks to do whatever I want with. I’ve spent them messing up my sleep pattern, being complacent with my medications, avoiding human contact, putting off spending time with myself and not really trying at anything. This is what I wanted. Leave a job that was making me unhappy and have a break between that and starting my new job. And what have I done with it? Nothing. Sure, my room is dusted, the kitchen is clean and I’m rewatching tv but in the grand scheme of things? Not a lot. I had it in my head what this time would look like – meditating, journaling, drinking more water, learning more about tarot and astrology, writing, and making content… unfortunately, this would all require me to change. Change who I am. How I work. Somehow, I thought that I would magically be transformed by having the free time. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen and I would argue that it never will occur by * magic *. I guess what I’ve learnt is that all the free time in the world can’t...
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Mental Health / Consistency.

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Being mentally ill/struggling with mental illness’, affects you in oh so many ways. I remember wanting to become a full-time YouTuber – that’s what it was called back then! Now I guess it’s called a “content creator”. There were two time periods where I felt I was taking it seriously. Back in 2011-2013 when I was working from home and had quite a bit of free time. The other time was in 2018 when I was unable to work, so again, I had free time (excluding the struggles etc.). Since beginning to work again, my productivity and mental state were suddenly thrown in that direction. - This would later come to be a huge cost to me but that’s for another time ⌚😉 My attention was massively occupied with work and the journey of creating content not only took a back seat but became nonexistent (as did effort with myself, self-care, recovery and overall well-being). In the past year, I have been pestered by a question:  I cannot for the life of me find a way to manage my mental healt...
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