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life lately | my return

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I stare blankly at the blank page in front of me. The incessant blinking of the cursor. “How difficult can it be? You’re just writing about yourself?” If we were sitting together for a coffee, I’d be able to describe the hell that has been the past year plus. I’d likely over-share, give far too many details and ramble between sips. In person, there isn’t that constant, never-ending blinking of the cursor. No, in person, there are pauses from others—the questions behind their questions. I wonder if they're wondering if I’ll tell the whole truth. Will I give you all the gory details? Will I share the severity of what’s been going on? Perhaps the constant cursor blink feels safer. credit It’s been a very long time since I last posted, and honestly, it's felt like an eternity. I know starting with an understatement might seem cliché, but it captures how strange it feels to reconnect after everything. This past year (to be honest, 5) has been a real struggle, mainly due to my mental...
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lasting change.

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 08-12-22 Three weeks to do whatever I want with. I’ve spent them messing up my sleep pattern, being complacent with my medications, avoiding human contact, putting off spending time with myself and not really trying at anything. This is what I wanted. Leave a job that was making me unhappy and have a break between that and starting my new job. And what have I done with it? Nothing. Sure, my room is dusted, the kitchen is clean and I’m rewatching tv but in the grand scheme of things? Not a lot. I had it in my head what this time would look like – meditating, journaling, drinking more water, learning more about tarot and astrology, writing, and making content… unfortunately, this would all require me to change. Change who I am. How I work. Somehow, I thought that I would magically be transformed by having the free time. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen and I would argue that it never will occur by * magic *. I guess what I’ve learnt is that all the free time in the world can’t...
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2am. tears, realizations and hot chocolate.

It's 2:28 am and I am laying with my head in a tear soaked pillow. I have been crying for approximately 40 minutes. About what? About everything. Literally. When I get into this loop, everything comes to my mind. I think about all of the bad choices I have made. I torment myself thinking that no one cares about me. I bully myself about my weight. I compare my life to others and show myself how little I have accomplished with my existence. I go over and over and over why they haven't text me back in 4 days. I cry as silently as possibly so as not to wake my mum and brother peacefully sleeping. I gasp for air as my lungs feel as though they have never been so empty. The tears stream down my face. I clutch at my arms, my face, my blanket; anything that I can reach. I think of how today had been an okay day. How I was laughing with my brother just a number of hours ago. How I was singing and dancing to Little Mix in the shower. How I was cuddling my Pip cuddly toy while watching a ...
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