findingnoo: life lately

I stare blankly at the blank page in front of me. The incessant blinking of the cursor. “How difficult can it be? You’re just writing about yourself?” If we were sitting together for a coffee, I’d be able to describe the hell that has been the past year plus. I’d likely over-share, give far too many details and ramble between sips. In person, there isn’t that constant, never-ending blinking of the cursor. No, in person, there are pauses from others—the questions behind their questions. I wonder if they're wondering if I’ll tell the whole truth. Will I give you all the gory details? Will I share the severity of what’s been going on? Perhaps the constant cursor blink feels safer.

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It’s been a very long time since I last posted, and honestly, it's felt like an eternity. I know starting with an understatement might seem cliché, but it captures how strange it feels to reconnect after everything. This past year (to be honest, 5) has been a real struggle, mainly due to my mental health. When your mind feels as chaotic and disorganised as mine has, it’s tough to commit to anything, let alone consistently creating content. When your whole being is tied to another person, you may struggle to find the time for even the most minor things, such as drinking water and brushing your teeth, let alone writing a blog post. When does the person you’re tied to require your never-ending attention and constant availability? It’s impossible.

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Out of all of the things that have occurred in recent years, leaving abusive constraints has definitely been the most difficult, not only because of the fear, the indescribable fear, but because when you’re free, you have yourself. You have the person whom you’ve been avoiding, neglecting, and ignoring for however long the relationship was. The person you poured everything into has gone. The planet that you revolved around has suddenly disappeared – what do I orbit around now? And then for the first time in a long time, you’re only constant is your poor mental health—the depression, anxiety, rumination and recovering from the addiction that is trauma bonding.

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No one warned me that the aftereffects would somehow feel worse than everything I was put through in that relationship. During the unimaginable pain of what I was going through, I had a distraction: them. Not only were they the offender, but they were also the consoler. Now that I am feeling the pain so vividly, without breaks, and alone, it feels undoable. I don’t have the ‘high’ of them consoling me to wrap me in warmth for the brief moment before the subsequent offence comes. Daily life feels like a constant loop of reliving the traumas with no relief. It’s like walking through a minefield just by being awake.

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The toll this has all taken on me mentally is unbelievable. I fought through a war, never having brandished my sword, and now I return feeling hopeless, filled with ptsd and shame. There were days when I didn’t see daylight. I didn’t have a scrap of food. I stared at my phone, waiting for the buzzing like a siren blaring through my mind. On the outside, I look completely unharmed. There are no outward signs of the pain and degradation I withstood. My depression, anxiety and ptsd are the only badges of honour I have to show for the brutal things I experienced.

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Every day, I am flooded with self-shaming thoughts. ‘Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave?’ And I don’t have answers to those questions, maybe because they’re ridiculous. Perhaps because they’re too painful to even think about. I have gone from feeling like I was living in a physical prison to now feeling like I live in a prison of my own mind. Sadly, it wasn’t surprising that I ended up in those kinds of relationships. My sense of self and self-worth was already so low before these relationships that when I finally became free, my sense of self had gotten worse, not better. Now I am living each day with myself – someone who doesn’t have a firm grip on who they are. I also have trust issues with myself, as I was the person who put us through what we went through, and I am overwhelmed with poor mental health.

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I may be away from the perpetrators, but I am now walking around in the dark with nothing but a flashlight that cuts out now and then to light my way. But in one of those brief flashes of light, I saw this space. I saw the freedom it can provide me. I recognised that this is somewhere I always return to. Whenever an inevitable ‘slump’ hits, I always come back to thinking about content creation. For me, having a place to express myself is so beneficial. Especially if you, like me, are a mental health advocate and have a mission in life to shine a light on the very real side of living with mental illnesses and the aftereffects of abuse. Sometimes it’s not about the serious stuff, and I enjoy giving a makeup product review or organisation tip. Got to have the yin and yang in life, I guess.

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I am committed to creating a space on the internet where like-minded people will feel seen, believed and understood. All of these are things I have often longed for in my life, so I feel like creating a space where that flows freely would be wonderful. If you, like me, are on a journey of self-discovery, maybe returning home to yourself, working on healing and recovery, I feel that this is the place for you.

Thank you for being here for this part of my story, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of yours.