findingnoo

Hello and welcome to the shit show, congrats! you’ve got front-row seating ☺️ Let’s begin… For someone who hates ‘going with the flow’, I’ve been living my whole life like it.  Every day is the same. Every month is the same. Every year is the same. Hell, even every decade is the same. Of course, there are life experiences, trauma, love, and jobs sprinkled in but generally speaking, it’s the fucking same . 

Hello and welcome!💜 Today I'm tackling a tricky subject: Motivation .  Let's get into it...

Being mentally ill/struggling with mental illness’, affects you in oh so many ways. I remember wanting to become a full-time YouTuber – that’s what it was called back then! Now I guess it’s called a “content creator”. There were two time periods where I felt I was taking it seriously. Back in 2011-2013 when I was working from home and had quite a bit of free time. The other time was in 2018 when I was unable to work, so again, I had free time (excluding the struggles etc.). Since beginning to work again, my productivity and mental state were suddenly thrown in that direction. - This would later come to be a huge cost to me but that’s for another time ⌚😉 My attention was massively occupied with work and the journey of creating content not only took a back seat but became nonexistent (as did effort with myself, self-care, recovery and overall well-being). In the past year, I have been pestered by a question:  I cannot for the life of me find a way to manage my mental healt...

 08-12-22 Three weeks to do whatever I want with. I’ve spent them messing up my sleep pattern, being complacent with my medications, avoiding human contact, putting off spending time with myself and not really trying at anything. This is what I wanted. Leave a job that was making me unhappy and have a break between that and starting my new job. And what have I done with it? Nothing. Sure, my room is dusted, the kitchen is clean and I’m rewatching tv but in the grand scheme of things? Not a lot. I had it in my head what this time would look like – meditating, journaling, drinking more water, learning more about tarot and astrology, writing, and making content… unfortunately, this would all require me to change. Change who I am. How I work. Somehow, I thought that I would magically be transformed by having the free time. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen and I would argue that it never will occur by * magic *. I guess what I’ve learnt is that all the free time in the world can’t...

It’s been four long years. Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was grief. After losing patients that I had spent years with, I realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall. Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the pressures of being perfect, ne...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath. During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through, they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home. - this being one of the first acknowledgements of my abusive relationship with myself -__- Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade surrounded by land mines. When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable to have anyone talk badly about them. I co...