findingnoo

It may sound silly, ridiculous even, but I am embarking on a journey of choosing myself.  To date, I always put my self-neglect down to - not having the time, too busy focusing on this person or this person or work etc., too busy worrying about everyone else.  But those people I was hyper fixated on looking after and protecting for all that time? They're doing just fine without me hovering over them and making sure they're happy.  I have always thought that I 'always put everyone else first' and while that was painfully true for large chunks of my life, it isn't anymore. In spite of that being a massive achievement, I have come to realize that, yes, I am no longer putting others first (to the degree I was) but I haven't replaced it with anything. Eg: Me.  I have just been wandering around aimlessly. Living without another person being my purpose is completely foreign to me.  It's almost as if at every turn of my life when the option of picking myself was ava...

I'm so sick of writing about having enough of my own bullshit without making any changes.  I looked back at my old posts, my old YouTube videos, journal entries and guess what? I am the same fucking person. Sure, I've grown. I've faced unthinkable trauma, fought through difficulties, shed my skin in many ways but, I'm still her . Still not taking action in my life. Still not thinking about what I want from my life. Still not practising self-love/care. Still complaining about the condition of my life. Still going through each day on autopilot.   All the while, doing nothing to improve my circumstances.  In the last two years, I have removed myself from an abusive relationship (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do). I thought after that, that I would be able to return to myself. Meaning that inspiration, motivation and self-care would follow. None of this came to fruition.  It seems as though nothing can yank me out of it.  Even choosing...

In 2018 after months and months of hard work, pain, and tears - oh so many tears - I beat back OCD to the point where I felt capable to reach for my dream. I applied for a job and I got it. I was flooded with elation. After being trapped at home for four long, painful years, unemployed and imprisoned by my mental illness, I had been able to achieve a dream that had kept me driven for so long.  So what happens when the goal is achieved? Well, it's three years later, still at that job and feeling unmotivated and backsliding. As someone who strives for perfection and is plagued by the need to be accepted by others, it is very difficult for me to feel even a little bit happy while at work. I hold myself to a very high standard so when I don't meet them, I chastise and punish myself. I do the same when I don't meet others' expectations. It's a very vicious cycle - believing I have the ability to provide 100% all of the time to everyone is not only unrealistic but is a...