findingnoo

 08-12-22 Three weeks to do whatever I want with. I’ve spent them messing up my sleep pattern, being complacent with my medications, avoiding human contact, putting off spending time with myself and not really trying at anything. This is what I wanted. Leave a job that was making me unhappy and have a break between that and starting my new job. And what have I done with it? Nothing. Sure, my room is dusted, the kitchen is clean and I’m rewatching tv but in the grand scheme of things? Not a lot. I had it in my head what this time would look like – meditating, journaling, drinking more water, learning more about tarot and astrology, writing, and making content… unfortunately, this would all require me to change. Change who I am. How I work. Somehow, I thought that I would magically be transformed by having the free time. Well, guess what? That didn’t happen and I would argue that it never will occur by * magic *. I guess what I’ve learnt is that all the free time in the world can’t...

It’s been four long years. Weeks, no, months filled with stress. Anxiety through the roof. My mood lower than it’s been in a long time. Feeling unheard and unappreciated. Waiting for the inevitable “I’ve had enough” stage felt like a lifetime. What was finally going to do it? A full-blown breakdown? Being signed off sick again for months? Well, I truly believe that in the end, it was grief. After losing patients that I had spent years with, I realized that there was no time, space, or room for me to grieve. Broken doesn’t even cover it. My soul, spirit and overall health were being affected. With a tornado of overwhelming emotions, I felt utterly stuck. I had hit a wall. Sure, leaving altogether could be seen as my ever-present ‘Flight’ trauma response, but this time it felt different. As if I was somehow freeing myself from a jail cell. The secret was, I had had the key to the door all along. But I had hidden it in my pocket and buried it under the pressures of being perfect, ne...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath. During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through, they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home. - this being one of the first acknowledgements of my abusive relationship with myself -__- Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade surrounded by land mines. When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable to have anyone talk badly about them. I co...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another. For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept! Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself, have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my heart desires. But that hasn’t happened. It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may be something you need to hear). So now I have created my own cage. I began smoking. For o...

You don’t have to treat me poorly as others have. You don’t need to disregard me as if I am unimportant. I am here for every beat of your heart, every thought you have, every breath entering your lungs. I’ve been there for every heartbreak and all the beautiful times. I’ve felt your tears roll down your cheeks, your mouth aching from so much smiling. I am your vessel, and I am asking you why? Why won't you turn your giving, kind, loving nature inward? What’s the use of doling it out when it leaves nothing left for yourself? We’ve begged for crumbs from others but now I am begging you for so much more. I want more. I know you’re perfectly capable of giving, now please, give it to yourself. I’m so sick of waking up and living the same day every day thinking, that tomorrow will be the day I make the change. Out of the 15ish years of feeling like this, that has happened on zero days. I will go to the end of the earth for anyone else, please, it’s time to do it for us.   With love, ...

My last public post was on January 29th this year. If that doesn't show the headspace I've been in I don't know what does. At the end of last year, I was getting up early every work day to have enough time to meditate, script, stretch my body and dance. Looking back, I don't really recognise the person I was nor the mental space I was in. I was motivated to wake up early before a 12-hour shift, four times a week just to have this little routine. My mind was different on the days I did this compared to the days I had skipped it. Believe me, I wasn't all 'love and light, peace and butterflies' on the days that I had carried out my routine, but I just felt different . Calmer maybe? My tarot and Oracle decks were being used regularly. After every shift, my partner and I would sage each other after our showers.  I mean I can go on and on about the me of then compared to the me of today, in a way, shaming myself. Comparison can be effective, sure, but when it come...

It may sound silly, ridiculous even, but I am embarking on a journey of choosing myself.  To date, I always put my self-neglect down to - not having the time, too busy focusing on this person or this person or work etc., too busy worrying about everyone else.  But those people I was hyper fixated on looking after and protecting for all that time? They're doing just fine without me hovering over them and making sure they're happy.  I have always thought that I 'always put everyone else first' and while that was painfully true for large chunks of my life, it isn't anymore. In spite of that being a massive achievement, I have come to realize that, yes, I am no longer putting others first (to the degree I was) but I haven't replaced it with anything. Eg: Me.  I have just been wandering around aimlessly. Living without another person being my purpose is completely foreign to me.  It's almost as if at every turn of my life when the option of picking myself was ava...

I'm so sick of writing about having enough of my own bullshit without making any changes.  I looked back at my old posts, my old YouTube videos, journal entries and guess what? I am the same fucking person. Sure, I've grown. I've faced unthinkable trauma, fought through difficulties, shed my skin in many ways but, I'm still her . Still not taking action in my life. Still not thinking about what I want from my life. Still not practising self-love/care. Still complaining about the condition of my life. Still going through each day on autopilot.   All the while, doing nothing to improve my circumstances.  In the last two years, I have removed myself from an abusive relationship (which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do). I thought after that, that I would be able to return to myself. Meaning that inspiration, motivation and self-care would follow. None of this came to fruition.  It seems as though nothing can yank me out of it.  Even choosing...

In 2018 after months and months of hard work, pain, and tears - oh so many tears - I beat back OCD to the point where I felt capable to reach for my dream. I applied for a job and I got it. I was flooded with elation. After being trapped at home for four long, painful years, unemployed and imprisoned by my mental illness, I had been able to achieve a dream that had kept me driven for so long.  So what happens when the goal is achieved? Well, it's three years later, still at that job and feeling unmotivated and backsliding. As someone who strives for perfection and is plagued by the need to be accepted by others, it is very difficult for me to feel even a little bit happy while at work. I hold myself to a very high standard so when I don't meet them, I chastise and punish myself. I do the same when I don't meet others' expectations. It's a very vicious cycle - believing I have the ability to provide 100% all of the time to everyone is not only unrealistic but is a...