findingnoo

For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound.  Then one day, he was gone. I would never * see him again. And while this feels somewhat peaceful, som...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 I don’t know what came over me. It was a normal day, I was doing what I do as I always do it but something was different. I was suddenly filled with courage, anger and with determination. I spoke my truth.  I laid it all out in front of him. I told him how he had made me feel. I explained that I had given him everything I could possibly think of: money, my body, my love, my attention and nearly even my life. And it was still never enough. I let him know how all of this made me feel, how it still makes me feel.  Throughout I had a swirly feeling in my stomach. Saying these things that felt so overdue, out loud, to him… It was surreal. It felt like word vomit but in an articulate, calm and - somehow - polite manner. He, on the other hand, seemed nonchalant and as if he weren’t hearing the words coming out ...

  We are the only thinkers in our minds. – Louise Hay   I’ve been feeling very disconnected from myself. That’s nothing new really, to be honest, but lately, I feel distracted and very distant from myself. I have attended all of my shifts this month (-1) which makes me feel proud. I have been disregarding myself at work. Not staying hydrated, not taking proper breaks, eating crap for the sake of it etc. On my days off, I do nothing and sometimes even less than that. It’s at a point now where I don’t even plan on doing anything let alone plan something and not follow through with it. I haven’t been creating, writing. Wearing makeup is a thing of the past. I get signs to meditate, get fresh air, watch something that promotes growth, sleep routine & waking up earlier, read… But never act on it. I feel so sick of continually getting to this point. It is so draining to know that this vicious cycle will just keep going round and round. I want to change/improve but I never a...