findingnoo

 I remember the goal. The goal was to get well enough to be able to get a job. To push the OCD back and far away enough to be able to have a 'normal' life. Well, I achieved it. It took blood, sweat, guts and too many tears to count but my god did I do it. I looked OCD in the face and told it to fuck off. I mentally listed everything it had taken from me. The opportunities I had missed, the life I had been unable to live. I sat one day flooded in tears saying aloud “I hate you. I HATE YOU”. I had blocked the hoover with tissue that I was too afraid to pick up. I had to practically dismantle the thing to sort it out, which lead me to think that it would have been so much easier and less time consuming to have just picked the stupid tissue up in the first place. I was filled with rage. And for once it wasn't aimed at me, it was aimed directly to the correct culprit, the OCD. Having that thing to directly place the blame on became my bullseye. Something to aim towards – or in m...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 I spoke to him. My ex-abuser. I told him about that one specific time and how what he did to me would constitute sexual assault. He looked at me blankly. No apology. I described what he did to me that day. Somehow I managed to describe it without the gory details. Giving just enough information to jog his memory. He couldn't remember. No apology. All he added to the conversation was that I had freaked him out by saying that I could have reported him for what he had done. He didn't ask how I am/how I've been dealing with it etc. No apology. Since what happened I have been plagued with flashbacks. Now when I think of him it is one of the first thoughts I have. But for him? He didn't even remember it happening. No apology. For months I have been in a prison. Remembering that d...

For the majority of 2019 I was in an abusive relationship. In December of that year I - reluctantly and somewhat unwillingly - walked away. Throughout our time together there had been flags of all kinds of colours. Which I pushed to one side every time. The way in which he spoke to me, about me and how he treated my soul and body wasn't okay. To put it lightly. But he kind of reminded me of someone. Me. The words he would use, the lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings. His callousness with my emotional well being, the body that I live in and my mental health. It all felt familiar. Close to home. I feel on some level he was able to see what little regard I had for myself and used that as his benchmark. It makes me assess other relationships I have had and how there is a common under current to how I am treated. Since then I have been on the journey working on healing. I have had racing thoughts, endless questions to which I have largely been trying to push to one sid...