findingnoo

So I was today years old when I found a rather large missing piece of me that has been bugging me for a really really long time. My OCD has been playing up big time lately. Over the past year it has been creeping quietly back in but the past month or so it had been particularly bad. So I did what I always do.... Research. I took to YouTube and searched. The first thing that popped up was a video that was a therapists thoughts on how OCD is really PTSD. It kind of felt like something clicked in me. It made me start thinking about the possible link between my disorder and my (undiagnosed) PTSD and how it made a whole lot of sense to me that they could be connected. I let it steep in my mind for a couple of days and then we arrived at today. Today was my second day off in a little while where I have spent time alone. I started my day as I begin most.... Watching Tiktok for an obscene amount of time - trying to correct this habit as i'm not 12 and have adult responsibilities -__- ...

• |Trigger warning.| • The following contains adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, mental health struggles. Reader discretion is advised. ❤ 🌱 At 18 years old I had decided what I was going to do. I was in love. Oh, so in love. Within two years I was a full time carer for my ex partner. It was a lot. To be honest it felt like the worlds easiest decision. Like, who wouldn't want to spend every waking hour with the person they love? -hint of sarcasm, isnt hindsight fun?! Fast forward to 2013 to when I was 23 and he ended our relationship. This was one of the most painful days of my entire life. I rang my mum – I don't remember this but I'm guessing it was pretty emosh. I had to ask my mum if it was okay for me to move back home, she was incredibly understanding and said yes in a heartbeat. Within a few hours I was on her front doorstep. -would you believe me if i told you that i hung the washing out before i left? -__- I was in so mu...

Looking at my drafts, I have a butt load - yes, thats a legit measurement  of blog posts that are in the beginning stages but are left unfinished.  For example : while writing those first three lines I got distracted, wandered around the Blogger settings and then somehow found my way back to typing this. Can I get a mutual 'ffs!!'? My brain truly feels like scrambled egg at the moment. I say moment, it's felt like this for about a year now. My concentration is abysmal. I get these surges of motivation where I want to get my shit together and within hours, minutes, seconds... it vanishes.  When it inevitably ends, I go back to feeling hopeless. I shut myself off from everyone - including myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I sat down with myself, assessed how I am feeling, what's going on in my noggin and what it is that I need.The only constant in my life is self neglect.  - bravo Sadly, it is something that I am a pro at. There are many things I am bad...

I learnt that a colleague of mine passed away this week. It was unexpected and a complete shock to all that I have spoken to. She was a lovely woman. Always happy to help, a hard worker and often laughing. I have fond memories of laughing with her, she seemed to enjoy my imitation of her lol. After working on the team for about a year one morning I saw her checking my name tag before calling me. I looked at her and burst out laughing, she giggled and I said "After a year you still don't know my name?!". We were both laughing and it became a small joke I'd remind her of. It's a strange thought knowing that I won't see her again. Where I work, unfortunately, people passing away isn't a rarity but you don't expect it to be a someone you work with. I don't really have a point to this post other than to mark the fact that a person who I thought highly of has passed away. I am sad at the thought that I won't hear her laugh or her stories anymore. My ...

Since December I have been spending most of my time with myself. Which is probably close to the last person I would choose. I wish that I had learnt self-love. Self-compassion. Some god damn self-respect. And, please believe me when I say that I'm not  trying  to be negative or exaggerate, this is just the reality of my life. I look back at the last (nearly) four months and all I can think is "What a waste of time". I feel as though I have achieved nothing. Learnt nothing. Having more memories of the times spent crying than laughing. Mornings that have passed with me asleep. Messages that weren't responded to. Hobbies that have literally sat gathering dust - make up brushes, I'm talking to you. Days filled with more sighs expelled than words uttered. Blog posts written only to be almost finished, saved and then forgotten. Nights where I am filled with enthusiasm only to wake up feeling drained. Increased food intake to aid me in forcing down truths I can't...

my heart is heavy. my eyes are tired. my lungs feel empty. like i need to take a deep breath but cant. i feel low. i feel tired. i just want to sleep for three weeks. lock myself away. but i force a smile. i keep plodding on. im scared that work colleagues are going to notice that i never work more than two days in a row. im sure theyll ask why. its either that or i may crash would be an honest response but i am terrified to say it. i feel unappreciated. i feel stressed. i have begun to feel anxious again. dreaming about scary situations. waking up and having to think really hard whether my dream was real life of not. worrying has started to come back. overthinking. oversharing. overeating. running my mouth about things. i feel angry. i feel disappointed. i feel let down. insignificant. my motivation is long gone. just thinking about doing things is making me feel tired. my ms is playing up. its becoming something that i think about often and never in a good way. what if i lose my sigh...

On the 27 th June 2018 - woah that's not even last year at this point I uploaded a video to my YouTube channel titled “ New Beginnings : A Heart to Heart ”. In that video, I shared some struggles that I had been through over the last few years and a recent sense of freedom I had been feeling. I had been shutting off the past by not allowing myself to accept how it really was and by doing so, never had an outlet for those darker times. At the time of that video, I had been full steam ahead with my recovery. I was watching Tony Robbins seminars and in doing so I learnt a whole bunch about myself and the mechanisms I have. I was really taking care of myself, mind, body - not so much, but i was allowing myself to eat what my inner self was craving with some salad thrown in there and soul. Regularly checking in with myself. Being more open with others. The middle part of 2018 was spent being the most scheduled I had (have) been on my channel since its creation in 2011. I was...