findingnoo

2009-2019. A decade, what a substantial amount of time. In the last ten years I went from being a 19 year old girl to a 29 year old woman. At the start of the decade I was moving in with my love. I was starting what I intended to be my last ever job. As it happens, it wasn't meant to be. I learnt so much about life over the course of those years. I learnt things the hard way, the easy way, the painful way but learnt none the less. I lost my partner, my job and my home twice. I moved back home. My mental health deteriorated to the point I was literally a prisoner in my house. I spent 4 years a captive of my own brain, scared to even touch people. Unable to express any emotion other than faux happiness. In that time I became aware of my thoughts, my feelings and what I wanted out of life. I began to fight. Fight back against all of the dark and poisonous thoughts that were a constant in my mind. I began being able to touch door handles and leave the house again. I even st...

Pro-cras-ti-na-tion. noun the act of delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring Whose idea was it to come up with a word like this and make it so long and hard to say when you have no desire to do any of the 'stuff'. I have scolded myself in the past for being “lazy, messy and disorganized” when I realize now I was possibly feeling uninspired, self sabotaging and maybe procrastinating. These aren't dirty words and I feel that in this modern time I am hearing them more often. But really upon closer inspection it boils down to not feeling amped to do something. To me in doesn't necessarily mean going for that jog or booking in to see the gp. It can be anything. Most days the thought of putting my makeup on brings my blanket firmly over my head in bed and there it stays. And the chance that I do my makeup? 0/100. And lets face it, I LOVE makeup, it is one of my all time favourite things and yet in those moments it feel...

I was home alone which is a huge rarity. Seriously, there is always someone at home but it just so happened that this one afternoon I would have one of the biggest achievements of my entire life. At this point in my life I was feeling kind of like in a limbo. My mental health was no where near as bad as it had been but was still  t h e r e. - creep I had noticed that I had started to do things that I hadn't been able to do in years. Unfortunately I was still being controlled in quite major ways by my OCD and it was still restricting my life. On this afternoon I had decided to get up, put on some bad ass music and do full glam. I sang and tried something different with my makeup and felt what can only be described as a surge. I set up my room and filmed a video for the first time in months. I felt incredible. I then realized that this was it, this was my moment. I knew that if I didn't strike now who knows when I would next feel this strength and ability to try. I got ...

Where are you? You were right here by my side. You had a tight grip. I thought it was forever, I thought that once you came that you were going to stay. But you left. Now I feel empty. I feel like a huge part of me is missing. How can I function without you? How can I succeed? How am I supposed to live my life without you? Since you've been gone I am feeling completely unfulfilled. Nothing much brings me any joy. Trying to do the things that once made me happy just leaves me feeling tired. I feel lost and empty a lot of the time. Drifting into darkness most days. Without you there is no me. Motivation, where are you? I'm sorry if I took you for granted, I promise I'll do better. I will cherish you and fight to keep you forever. When you're here I feel like myself. I feel empowered and whole. I sleep better, dream better and think better. I am able to see the good. I get excited and smile more. I don't mean to sound impatient but I just feel so low without yo...

Staring at a blank page. There's so much I could write. Like how I got signed off work, how I've never felt so low, how I had the worse relapse to date and how I almost completely lost myself. Or I could tell you about what I learned from it all... And that's what I'm gonna do. Too often I dwell on the negative. I let it control my feeling towards a situation and then completely take over - usually resulting in me relapsing. But this time feels a little different. While being in the dark scares me beyond belief, when I was in it, I understood that it wasn't going to last forever. There has always been a part of me, a part of my mind that seemed to be out to 'get me'. Any time I would evolve or start feeling good it would tear me down. It created a feeling of hate in me. I despised that part of my brain that was constantly betting on me to lose. If I was feeling motivated and positive it knew all the tricks to bring me down. I was resentful. I dreamed ...

It's 2:28 am and I am laying with my head in a tear soaked pillow. I have been crying for approximately 40 minutes. About what? About everything. Literally. When I get into this loop, everything comes to my mind. I think about all of the bad choices I have made. I torment myself thinking that no one cares about me. I bully myself about my weight. I compare my life to others and show myself how little I have accomplished with my existence. I go over and over and over why they haven't text me back in 4 days. I cry as silently as possibly so as not to wake my mum and brother peacefully sleeping. I gasp for air as my lungs feel as though they have never been so empty. The tears stream down my face. I clutch at my arms, my face, my blanket; anything that I can reach. I think of how today had been an okay day. How I was laughing with my brother just a number of hours ago. How I was singing and dancing to Little Mix in the shower. How I was cuddling my Pip cuddly toy while watching a ...